| April 2008 |
Vol 2, Issue 4 |
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Covenant Marriage
Movement
Making God's Design Your Desire |
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By Phil Waugh, Executive Director of CMM
This is a looming question for hundreds and thousands of individuals throughout our nation and the world. Some of the latest statistical information available through The Barna Group reveals that among adults who have been married, one-third (33%) have experienced at least one divorce with the present rate of divorce ranging from 36% -- 39% depending on various socio-economical factors.
The question, "Can my marriage be saved" is often posed to us through our website, emails, and phone calls. This is the underlying question that motivates hundreds of postings on our website prayer support link. But although divorce is becoming far too socially acceptable, there are still those who desire for their marriage to beat the odds. For those of you who are struggling with this question, I want to offer you a word of hope and it is a word that you can pass on to those you know who are asking the same question.
Twenty-three years ago, Mae Chambers and her husband were facing the same issues that a lot of married couples face today: infidelity, addiction, lack of communication. By the grace of God, the Chamberses were able to come out on the other side of this difficult time with their marriage intact. Unfortunately, many couples today do not make it through to the other side with their marriages intact. Oftentimes these couples are not aware of options other than divorce, and they lack a support system to guide and encourage them through the hard times. To combat the rising divorce rate, Mae Chambers teamed up with her daughter Erika to release Can My Marriage Be Saved?: True Stories of Saved Marriages, which details the true experiences of 20+ couples whose marriages were, at one point, seemingly beyond hope.
"My husband and I have a marriage that was miraculously brought back from the brink of divorce," says Chambers, who, with her husband, has mentored couples in troubled marriages for the past 20 years. "In the years since our reconciliation, we have openly and honestly shared our painful story countless times. In doing so, we have seen dozens of couples in troubled marriages come to healing as they found hope (and some life lessons) in our personal story and applied the principles to their own relationships."
The inspiration for the book came unexpectedly. Twelve years ago, Chambers found herself pregnant and without maternity insurance. She decided to have a home birth and read a book of true stories about women of faith who had successful home births. When Chambers experienced some complications during the birth, her husband prayed over her, and their baby boy was born healthy and vibrant.
"I was struck by how profoundly that book of true stories, relating the faith of others in similar situations, had built my faith and the faith of those around me, to believe that we too could have a successful outcome," states Chambers.
Here is a couple who were presented with the options of getting a divorce or remaining steadfast to the covenant they had entered into when they spoke their marriage vows before God and all those witnesses. They chose to claim the power and promises of God's covenant love for them and to embrace His design for marriage. Though they may not have known what to call it or exactly how to claim it, in their hearts they committed themselves to it, a covenant marriage.
This is just the beginning for Mae and her daughter Erika. Can My Marriage Be Saved?: True Stories of Saved Marriages is the first in a series of three books focused on the healing and restoration of troubled marriages and the recovery of marriages that had already fallen to divorce.
Mae Chambers received her bachelor's degree in education and her minor in learning disabilities/behavior disorders from Miami University in Ohio.
Erika Chambers, the daughter of Mae's saved marriage, received her bachelor's degree in Communications Studies from Middle Tennessee State University. She is currently the Editor in Chief for Pass It On Publications, and is pursuing her passion as a songwriter and artist in Nashville.
For more information, on the ministry of Mae & Erika Chambers or to order additional copies of their book, Can My Marriage Be Saved?: True Stories of Saved Marriages, visit www.savedmarriagenetwork.com. |
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The Lottery Ticket |
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By Dawn Emeigh Editor, CMM News
I once heard a story about a man who won the lottery. Knowing that he had six months in which to claim his prize, he decided to wait as long as possible so that he could plan for the investment of his newfound fortune. Each day, he became less productive at work as he explored real estate and travel opportunities. He pulled away from friends because he knew that once he cashed in his ticket he would no longer have much in common with them. His family grew frustrated with his obsession with the ticket, but he knew that their attitude would change once he claimed the winnings.
He slept clutching the ticket, he kept it in his shirt pocket during the day, there was hardly a time that the ticket left his sight. He spent his days planning for the moment that he claimed his jackpot and his nights dreaming of his new lifestyle--soon to be a reality. Finally, the day arrived. He marched into lottery headquarters proudly waving his tattered ticket. The clerk smiled as she pulled out the official record book. Her smile faded as she glanced between the ticket and the recorded numbers. She pulled on her reading glasses and examined the ticket carefully. With a look of pity, she explained that the prize had already been claimed. "That's impossible," he shouted. "I have the winning ticket!" She quietly pointed to a number on the ticket and then to a number in the book. "Look closely," she whispered. On his ticket, a number which resembled a three from a distance was clearly an eight upon closer examination.
The man walked out in stunned silence. He had been let go from his job due to his continued lack of productivity, he had alienated his friends, and now he tried to imagine how he would break the bad news about the ticket to his wife and children. As he entered his home it was eerily quiet. His wife was gone. She left a note explaining how his obsession with winning the lottery had ruined the family. As he slumped in a chair he realized that he still clutched the lottery ticket in his hand. With tears streaming down his face, he let it go and watched the worthless paper flutter to the floor. He cried out, "God, I was already the winner and I was too foolish to realize it!"
Modern day marriages are filled with lottery tickets. They are those ideas, fantasies, and things that we cling to--and even become obsessed with--in the hopes of finding quick and easy solutions to our inevitable life challenges.
For many, the lottery ticket is the pursuit of money, power, and career success. I have seen this "ticket" ruin more than one marriage. Being successful, working hard, and striving for the best is never wrong. It is sinful, however, when it takes precedence over our relationship with God and spouse. In The Purpose Driven Life, Rick Warren explains it this way, "The drive to always want more is based on the misconceptions that having more will make me more happy, more important, and more secure, but all three ideas are untrue. Real security can only be found in that which can never be taken from you--your relationship with God." Hitting the "jackpot" of materialism most surely results in disappointment and disillusionment. Particularly when the price you have paid to achieve it is your relationship to God, spouse, family, and friends.
Another lottery ticket which destroys marriage is believing that a person other than the spouse you have made a covenant with holds the winning numbers to your happiness and fulfillment. This lie from the enemy is responsible for rampant divorces, countless heartaches, and shattered trust. Research has shown that the divorce rate of second marriages is close to 70% and for third marriages nearly 90%. Very often, people find the "winning numbers" that seem so perfect are--upon close scrutiny--not quite the perfect combination they were counting on. Just like the man in our story, the realization may come too late.
Quite often the lottery tickets we obsess over are healthy pursuits such as fitness, hobbies, and even serving in ministry. These beneficial activities are damaging when they become more important than our relationship with God. They can cause total destruction when our spouse takes second place behind our own desires, needs, interests, or selfish ambitions. Anything or anyone that becomes more important than God or family is a deviation from His perfect plan and purpose for our lives. 2 John 1:6 says "Love means living the way God commanded us to live. As you have heard from the beginning, His command is this: Live a life of love." (NCV) He doesn't command us to live a life filled with money, pursuit of personal pleasure and fulfillment, career, and activities that we enjoy. God commands us to find our "jackpot" in unconditional love.
The game of life is far too short to be spent clutching the losing numbers. Are you clinging to a worthless ticket? If so, open your eyes to the vast fortune God has so generously laid out before you and begin investing in the things that will last for an eternity.
"Live life with a due sense of responsibility, not
as those who do not know the meaning of
life, but as those who do"
Ephesians 5:15
The New Testament in Modern English, Phillips |
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Can My Marriage Be Saved? |
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Get Your Copy Now!
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How to Have a Powerful Marriage: The Power of Forgiveness |
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By Dave Brown
My dad's getting pretty old these days. He's eighty-two. His health is good but he has macular degeneration and can't see where he's actually looking. He only has peripheral vision. Sure, it keeps him from driving and makes it almost impossible for him to read something or do something as simple as writing a check, but with that new flat-screen TV and high definition satellite signal, he can watch Arkansas beat Tennessee in the SEC basketball tournament. He can see the phone so he can call me to gloat. He's doing just fine.
But he's overweight. Has been for years. We've been prodding him to exercise more and eat less but he just makes excuses. "It's that medicine I'm taking. It makes my legs weak and my knees aren't what they used to be." Yada, yada, yada. I took him out to eat last night and as we were walking across the parking lot, I asked him, "Did you take a walk today?" He responded, "I don't walk anymore." I couldn't help but think he was walking just fine to get to the restaurant. I was at the gym the other night, enduring one of my rare workouts (I'm thin but just as lazy) and I thought how my dad could do something - anything - even while sitting in a chair, that would burn some calories and take some of the weight off those knees and legs so he could get around better. It's a shame, really. There's no talking him into it. It's become normal. His comfort zone is not doing those things that we all know he would so enjoy doing - if he would just get rid of some of that excess weight.
I see couples doing this very same thing all the time. No, I'm not talking about overeating and under-exercising - though, now that I think about it. That would be a good topic of discussion sometime in the future. Hold that thought.
Here's a common story: He did something stupid years ago. I don't know, maybe he had an affair, maybe he was married once before and didn't tell her, maybe he spent all of their money on drugs or gambling and didn't tell her before the sheriff's department and the IRS did. It doesn't have to be the guy. Women make mistakes, too, but men aren't smart enough to remember what they did. That's why wives win all the arguments. They don't get hysterical. They get historical. And most men don't do history very well - unless it's got something to do with sports. I'll never forget Kirk Gibson limping to the plate with the World Series on the line, but I swear she didn't tell me to buy rice at the store.
It really goes both ways. Everyone does dumb things. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone makes choices based in selfishness, pride, and a fear of really trusting God and doing what He tells us to do. Instead, we do what we want, what makes us feel good, what makes us comfortable, and we hurt each other when our choices are based in sin this way. He found out she was putting money on credit cards he didn't even know they had. She caught him looking at pornography on the computer. He still resents the fact that after the kids were born, she let herself go - eating too much and daring him to challenge her on it. She looks back over the last few years and realizes she's been raising the kids pretty much as a single mom while he's been working, playing golf, fishing, hunting, and going to ballgames. Shall I go on? Have I struck a nerve, yet? Good!
Are you keeping score? Who's winning? Are you angry, yet? So many couples carry this stuff around with them, day after day after day. Resentment builds and they strike out at each other - usually with words but sometimes it gets uglier. If someone doesn't do something differently, it will definitely get uglier. And the kids get to watch. You think you can hide it from them but you can't. You may think its okay to go at it right in front of them. After all, that's what your parents did and you turned out okay, didn't you? No, and it's not okay. For the sake of your marriage, for the sake of your kids, and because there's such a better life you can all have together, will you please just stop? This is not "normal." This is not hopeless. This is not the way your life is supposed to be any more than my dad is supposed to spend the rest of his days sitting in a chair watching life go by.
Here are some truths I hope will help you get rid of the stuff that's keeping you from experiencing the kind of marriage God always intended for the two of you:
1. Realize that hurting people hurt people. If your spouse is somehow hurting you, begin looking to see how he or she has been hurt in the past by you or others. Help your spouse deal with it and forgive those who did the hurting. You might need to learn to say, "I'm sorry." You might need to learn how to forgive, as well.
2. Realize that when someone hurt you, Jesus was right there beside you. Ask Him where He was. That's what He'll tell you. He was protecting you from being hurt worse. He allowed the pain you did experience because from that pain He knew something very good would come - or it could. It should. He knows all about this. He allowed Himself to be crucified so you and He can have a relationship. He loves you. Let Him take your pain and use it for something good. There are so many others hurting that need to hear from you that Jesus loves them, too. When you see that the pain someone else imposed on you is actually healing to others, you won't feel the pain so much anymore. You'll kind of be glad that Jesus chose you to touch others with His love. You can forgive.
3. Allow your spouse to change. Love hopes all things. Love believes all things. Pray for your spouse, even if he or she hurts you. Jesus loves your spouse. He died for your spouse. Ask Jesus to show you what He sees. Ask Him to give you His love. He will. And should your spouse truly repent and want to change, let the past go. Don't let that be dead weight that you drag around the rest of your lives. Jesus doesn't do that to you. Isn't it great to know all the dumb, bad things you've done in your past don't matter to Him? Be like Jesus to your spouse. Forgive.
4. Live a life with boundaries. This is normal. If your spouse continues to hurt you, this is not normal. You may need to set the boundaries for him or her, just like you do your kids when they want to play in the street or climb that big tree out in the front yard. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is say, "No more." But not in anger. Not with a motive of self-protection. In love. With your spouse's well-being in mind. And forgive.
Forgiveness is your gift to others. But you get as much or more from it than they do. Forgive your spouse. It will give him or her power to grow. It will give you power to live the life God wants you to. It's powerful to know that no one can hurt you but that Jesus doesn't know about it, lets it happen, and together you can use it for good. It's powerful to forgive. It will give your marriage the power to move past the bad and experience the good. And others - the kids, your families, your friends - will get a taste of heaven through your Covenant Marriage.
13 "Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14 And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. 15 Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. 16 Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. 17 And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him." Colossians 3:13-17
Dave Brown is a pastor and is on the CMM Board of Directors. He co-authored Covenant vs. Contract with Phil Waugh, the Director of the CMM. He has a newly released book, Simple Christianity, available at www.amazon.com or through your local bookstore. His website is www.davebrownministries.com. |
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Phillip Waugh
Covenant Marriage Movement
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