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Fireproof
A Personal Interview with Stephen Kendrick
Co-Writer and Producer of Fireproof
for
The Covenant Marriage Movement
My introduction to the production of Fireproof came just before Christmas while attending a 30th wedding anniversary party for some friends. When I heard about the movie and its implications regarding covenant marriage, I became very excited. This led me to pursue a possible connection between what God was doing in and through the congregation of Sherwood Baptist Church in Albany, GA., makers of Facing the Giants, and The Covenant Marriage Movement.
My excitement was generated by the fact that God was raising up two brothers, Alex and Stephen Kendrick, to lead their congregation in the production of a movie that will address an issue within our society and the church that is silently destroying the fabric of our society. That issue is the self-centered, giving up, throwing in the towel, throw-away, "Why bother?" attitude in the hearts and lives of individuals and couples that leads to divorce when left unchallenged. The great thing about this movie is it focuses on the affirmative actions one spouse can take to redeem what is usually considered beyond repair by the world. This is a movie that challenges us to raise the bar in our commitment to our marriages rather than continuing to lower the standards of investment in our relationships.
PW: I find it very interesting that you would take on the subject matter of marriage as a topic for your next movie. What led you to pursuing this particular topic?
SK: We had been praying specifically for a storyline that would help strengthen our culture and had considered several options. To be honest, Alex didn't initially want to do a movie on marriage though he was taken by the idea of daring a man to love his wife. After months of prayer, the Lord clearly led us to go after this issue through a compelling story that we hope captures the hearts of both women and men. As we presented our thoughts for the movie to others, everyone seemed to affirm our direction. Their words were pretty much in agreement that, "This is of the Lord. This is what you need to do." So, we began focusing our attention on the message of the movie. Hebrews 13:4 says that marriage should be honored by all. We know that it is the foundational relationship upon which child-rearing, churches, and governments are built. If the institution of marriage crumbles, so does everything built upon it. Based on that belief, we went to work on writing the script.
PW: Why did you choose the firefighter's profession as the one that best portrayed the message you wanted to get across to folks? You have chosen the subtitle of the movie, "No partner left behind." What does this mean and how does the movie portray this?
SK: A standing understanding among firefighters is, "No Partner Left Behind." You simply don't abandon your partner in a dangerous situation. There are some obvious reasons for this and some not-so-obvious reasons. Caleb hammers this motto home at work, "You never leave your partner, especially in a fire," but does not practice this at home with his wife. By the end of the movie Caleb learns the importance of this motto to his marriage and refuses to let his marriage die.
PW: What is the bottom-line message you want the movie to convey?
SK: There are multiple key issues we want to communicate-truths to deposit in the lives of couples. Some of these are:
- There is a difference between Agape love and "feeling oriented" love that our culture seems to still be hung up on.
- Another is that marriage is a covenant not contract. Covenants are God-established and based on unconditional love whereas contracts are based on self-centered rights and responsibilities. We are talking about love without measure; without expectation; without limits; that is unconditional love.
- Don't give up on your marriage. It is too important to you, to your family, to our society, to God and to His Kingdom!
PW: Kind of like what I always say, "A covenant marriage is one that makes the statement, 'I give myself to thee' whereas a contractual marriage makes the statement, 'I take thee for me'."
SK: Yes. That's a good way to put it. Some other messages we would like for the movie to convey are:
- Don't simply follow your heart, for it can lead you in the wrong direction. Instead you need to lead your heart. We are told in Scripture that our hearts can be deceiving. We are told to guard our hearts - that our hearts follow our investments. That is why we need to set our heart on things above.
- Another very valuable message conveyed in this film is that God is the source of love. Being in relationship with Him is the key to loving others. The problem is you can't give to others what you don't have to give.
The bottom line is that marriages within our culture are hemorrhaging. They are in desperate need of repair. They are in need of the message of hope found in Fireproof.
PW: What are some of the hard lessons being taught through Fireproof?
SK: One of them is the need for and the importance of forgiveness in marriage. Caleb gets down on his knees and humbles himself and asks for Catherine to forgive him. One of the hardest lessons to learn is that as husbands, we are the leaders in our home and the success in our marriage rises and falls on our leadership. If husbands do not love their wives as Christ loves the church, they are heading for trouble.
PW: What is your perception of how the world views marriage and how would you say the movie counters this view?
SK: To the world at large, marriage is no more than a piece of paper. The world just doesn't understand Hebrews 13:4: "Marriage is to be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral." The world doesn't respect or honor marriage. Multiple lines in the movie offer direct counter viewpoints to the world's view. Statements such as, "Marriage is a covenant," "Marriage is for life," and the subtitle Never Leave Your Partner Behind are all counter-cultural.
PW: Facing the Giants was a church-wide endeavor. Has this movie been the same? If so, it would seem that the production would have a great impact on your church. How would you say the production of this movie has affected the lives of individuals, couples, and families in your church?
SK: One of the greatest impacts on our church has come through the leadership. The leadership in our church sees the value of modeling the concepts addressed in Fireproof before our congregation. In addition to modeling these concepts, in recent months, I have preached both on Covenant vs. Contract and on the Purposes of Marriage. If you look at all of the purposes for marriage, they all reflect some attribute of the Trinity. So, it has been exciting to see our folks begin to understand the purposes of marriage and begin living out these concepts.
Another benefit we have seen is that it has encouraged our congregation to re-evaluate and re-commit to their own marriages knowing that we need to model what we are trying to communicate.
PW: What would be your advice to couples who are trying to live out a covenant marriage?
SK: The advice I would share with couples is:
- Study together the specific scriptures dealing with their role and responsibilities as a husband and wife.
- Develop a habit of praying hand in hand over all major decisions in the relationship.
- Study and post your marriage vows in your home that you said on your wedding day.
- Daily abide in the vine and walk with the Lord, which is the key to being filled with love, joy, and peace, etc.
PW: How has the production of this movie impacted your church as a whole and how do you anticipate it impacting the lives of couples, family, congregations, and communities as a whole?
SK: It has brought us together as a congregation and allowed us to synergize and work on something much bigger than ourselves, and to go after a key issue with a bright light of truth to impact our culture.
We pray that marriage and divorce statistics in America will be directly impacted. Our desire is to see more people marrying and fewer people divorcing. But beyond that, we hope that men and women will see their marriages as living earthly portraits of Christ and His Bride, the church.
PW: What is your goal for this movie?
SK: Our goal is to glorify God by making Him known through the focal lens of the institution of marriage. A marriage presents one of the most beautiful opportunities to demonstrate the ongoing, unconditional, Christ-like love for an imperfect person.
PW: How do you see God using this movie to impact His Kingdom?
SK: We hope that over a billion people will be somehow impacted by this movie with hundreds of thousands coming to Christ. We hope to join God in two of His major eternal agendas: to take the Gospel to the ends of the earth and to help prepare the Bride of Christ for His return.
PW: Stephen, I want to thank you for taking the time to share with me and with our readers. I want you and everyone else to know that we fully support what God is doing in and through you and Kevin and your congregation. Having said that, I would also like to say, as a word of promotion for the movie:
Fireproof is an action-packed love story about a firefighter whose marriage is falling apart. Seven years into their marriage, Caleb and Catherine Holt have drifted so far apart that Catherine wishes she had never married. After agreeing to get a divorce, Caleb is challenged by his father to work through a book titled The Love Dare. This book takes him on a 40-day journey toward understanding what unconditional love really is. After coming to Christ halfway through the book, Caleb begins a rescue mission to save his dying marriage and win back the heart of his wife. Fireproof realistically shows some of the battles and struggles that married couples experience every day. But it also holds up the truth of God's Word in dealing with those. Like Facing the Giants, this movie will have fans laughing, crying, and leaving inspired and challenged!
The movie will be released nationwide in theaters this fall. <RELEASE DATE TBA LATER THIS YEAR> For more information on the movie you can go to www.FireprooftheMovie.com. I am asking that you and everyone in your circle of influence will help us get the word out and see this film on opening weekend, the three key days when the success of a movie and its ultimate impact is greatly determined.
Phil Waugh, Executive Director
The Covenant Marriage Movement
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Spring Cleaning A Marriage
by Dawn Emeigh, Editor CMM News
A friend of mine recently told me about her mother's obsession with spring cleaning. She said that beginning in the month of March her mother would go through their rather large and old home room by room conducting a thorough overhaul. Every shelf was cleared, every drawer emptied, window treatments removed, and furniture shifted so that absolutely no crevice or corner of a room was left untouched. She described weeks of back-breaking labor and unglamorous work. My friend, as she matured and eventually had a family and home of her own, realized how tedious and exhausting this must have been for her mother. She questioned her mom about this ritual and her mother replied by saying, "I loved you all too much to tolerate less than the best."
I love her story because it paints a clear visual picture of how we, as individuals, should approach our marriage. Her willingness to get in there and get her hands dirty brought with it a sense of accomplishment and meaning. Following a few of these simple cleaning tips could be beneficial to any marriage:
Shift Things Around A Bit
In order to see where the dirt and cobwebs are, we need to do some heavy lifting and moving. It always amazes me how quickly the dust and grime can accumulate in a home. Upon first glance, it might appear tidy and clean, but as soon as you start looking under the bed and behind the sofa, you quickly realize that some attention is desperately needed. Similarly, our relationship with our spouse can harbor dark corners of neglect and withdrawal. If you are willing to do the hard work and begin moving some of your cumbersome issues out of the way, you just might uncover a few areas that are in dire need of a good scrubbing. I know a man who often responds with anger to his wife. I heard him say once that he has a tendency to just explode about things. After a while he generally calms down and usually apologizes for his outburst. He said that she is used to his behavior and that this is "just the way he is wired." I would be willing to bet that behind those explosions of anger is a pile of hurt that could use an industrial strength sweeper. Moving beyond our personal comfort zone and toward God's ideal can only be accomplished by relying totally on Him. Just as I would find it impossible to move our large oak china cabinet on my own, most of our heaviest baggage and painful obstacles can only be moved with God's help and His infinite guiding hand. Honestly examine how you relate to your spouse--do you react rudely or unkindly? Is your response fueled by anger, frustration or lack or respect? These are just a few of the attitudes that can add to a growing pile of hidden dirt in your marriage. Be willing to join with God in the difficult work of moving things around a bit and making a lasting change.
Clean Out The Drawers
I decided to clean out a three-drawer end table in our living room. I was shocked at how quickly I filled up a small garbage bag and a box designated for the local thrift shop. Out of sight out of mind for many of us. The same is true in most marriages. It is the little things that we ignore that often blossom into the biggest messes. A close friend of mine has often discussed her parent's divorce with me. They divorced when she was a teen. Her tears break my heart and remind me that even twenty years have not erased the pain. Her father just recently confessed something to her in an emotional discussion. He said, "there was really nothing going on between your mother and I that could not have been fixed. We argued over the most trivial things, and I selfishly thought I could do better than this." How sad that a marriage was destroyed and a family still deals with pain over issues that could have been cleaned up with a little persistence and patience. Determine not to fall into the same trap. Pull the drawers out and look at the clutter--throw away the things that shouldn't be there. If you are having trouble sorting it out, pray together for guidance and wisdom. Seek a professional counselor or trusted pastor. Don't just close the drawer on your issues and expect them to stay hidden.
We've all seen the cabinet or closet that literally explodes when opened because the accumulated items have just become too much for the space to bear. Sure, when the door is closed, everything seems just fine, but eventually the mess is going to have to be dealt with. Don't let your marriage become so overloaded that an explosion is imminent. Do something about it now by opening the drawers and cabinets and taking an honest assessment of the things that need to go.
Dust Off The Shelves
In my home, shelves are used to showcase items that are meaningful such as family photos and mementos, treasured books, items from our travels, and even acknowledgements and awards. I diligently clean the shelves and the items placed on them because they are special to me and because others will see them. Marriage should be the treasured item prominently displayed on the shelf of life. We should be loving and careful with it because it is so special and because others are looking to our Christian marriages to be the example and standard. Sadly, too many of us have shelves that are so cluttered by trivial and unimportant things that the things of real value are often shoved to the back. Worse yet are the shelves that are so coated with dust and debris that even the valuable items have lost their luster and appeal. Don't allow this to be your marriage. I am certain that, if we are honest, we'll all admit to times when our shelf has become dirty and cluttered. After all, we live in a sinful world that is full of challenges and pain. Despite this reality, my prayer is that you will ask God for the wisdom and strength to put in the hard and sacrificial work necessary to have a marriage relationship that is glorifying to Him. One that you can prominently display with gladness of heart.
Remember what my friend's mother said, "I loved you all too much to settle for less than the best for you." God doesn't want you to settle for second best either. He has put a plan in place for us to understand and receive His highest blessings. Romans 12:2 tells us to transform ourselves through the renewing of our minds. If you want a transformation of your marriage--a thorough cleaning--this will only come about through a personal relationship with Christ. So grab a dust pan and a broom and make spring cleaning your marriage the ultimate priority. You will be astounded at the way God reveals Himself and His glorious plans to you and your spouse.
Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord
rather than for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance. It is the Lord Christ whom you serve.
Colossians 3:23-24 NASB |
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Covenant Fundamentals
by Dave Brown
When our kids were young, every once in awhile one of them would come up to me and ask me something like, "Is it okay if I go over to my friend's house?" Or maybe it was, "Can I have a piece of that chocolate cake Mom made last night?" It sounds harmless enough, doesn't it? It was like pulling the pin on a hand grenade.
Somewhere across the house, in another room, safely out of hearing range, was the woman I love - the one who is so capable of expressing her wrath disappointment when she finds out that I told the kids they could do something that she had just told them they couldn't. I learned after a few times. You know how to respond, too, don't you? "What did your mother say?"
Faces drop. Shoulders sag. Rooms go quiet. And hope (conniving hope) dissipates into the quiet realization that the answer has already been given and these two people - the parents - aren't so easily confused anymore. What was once so easy - to pit one against the other, to play on the sympathy of one in spite of the resolve of the other, to lead one to victory over the losing spouse in this game called "Getting What I Want" - had become impossible. All because they figured things out and talked about it and decided they were a team.
No longer was it me against Lisa. It was Lisa and me against the kids. Us against them. We win. We always do. And when we win, so do they, whether they want to admit it or not. They may not want to 'fess up but the truth is that they really prefer it when we're united and together on things, even if they don't get what they want. Ultimately kids really want their parents to love each other and stand together. Then they want all that other stuff. And sometimes we say yes and sometimes we say no. Together. Usually.
In the court of kids asking for something, I'm her representative. And the other day when I overheard her talking to a lady from the church who was struggling with some personal issue, Lisa offered encouragement and counsel way better than I ever could have. She was being "the Pastor's wife" and doing it quite well. And together, we represent God to those around us. Sure, I'm the pastor and she's my wife, but you don't have to be called to some ministry to represent God. The two of you do it all the time. People around you find out you're Christians and they watch, they listen, and they call you when things happen in their lives. You know God. You can help. That's what a Covenant Marriage is supposed to be.
Truth #6: People in covenant with God represent Him to the world. Jesus represents us in Heaven. Spouses represent each other to their children, their friends, and the world.
When you became a Christian, you entered into a covenant with the Son. The Bible tells us we're ambassadors to this world for Jesus. (2 Corinthians 5:20) It also tells us that Jesus is in heaven right now pulling for us and standing up for us and representing us. (Hebrews 6:19-20) That's what people do when they're in covenant with each other. It's exactly the same way you stand up for your best friend when someone says something ugly about him or her. "You mess with him? You're messin' with me. If he says it, then I say it."
In a Covenant Marriage, the two of you are certainly supposed to represent each other. When my wife says it, it's the same as if I said it. We need to be that together in our beliefs and perspectives. It takes a little work and a little time to get there. We go on long walks and we talk things out so that we learn how the other thinks. We sometimes disagree at first but we always try to find a unity that says, "We're married. We're one."
Your wedding was all about this. You now share the same name. You have rings on your fingers to symbolize that you belong to someone else and it will never end. There may have been a unity candle. And the preacher or priest or justice of the peace ultimately presented you not as two people but as one couple - husband and wife. You go together.
And in a Covenant Marriage, the two of you represent Jesus to those around you. Your marriage can be a powerful way to demonstrate God's love to others. Opening your home to others, sharing your resources, acts of kindness, and openly telling others what Jesus has done for us all - these are a few ways the two of you can live out your Covenant Marriage each and every day. Together. As one. To His glory.
Truth #1: God initiates all covenant relationships -- especially Covenant Marriages.
Truth #2: Every covenant is based on the "if-then" principle -- especially Covenant Marriages.
Truth #3: God blesses those in covenant with Him. A blessing enables. Those in a Covenant Marriage also bless each other, enabling each other to become more than they ever could without each other.
Truth #4: God blesses those in covenant with Him. A blessing is about status and identity.
Truth #5: Those in covenant with God share His relationships. So do couples in covenant marriage.
Truth #6: People in covenant with God represent Him to the world. Jesus represents us in Heaven. Spouses represent each other to their children, their friends, and the world.
Dave Brown is a pastor and is on the CMM Board of Directors. He co-authored Covenant vs. Contract with Phil Waugh, the Director of CMM. He has a newly released book, Simple Christianity, available at www.amazon.com or through your local bookstore. Available
at davebrown@davebrownministries.com. His website www.davebrownministries.com is now up! |
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Motivating Men to be Caring Communicators
By Jay & Laura Laffoon
 Several years ago my husband, Jay, and I (Laura) had the privilege of speaking for a large denominational family conference. Also at the event was our good friend, Ken Davis. One afternoon, Jay and Ken decided we should all go play golf. Which sounded like fun except for a few details; first, I was a "newbie" golfer and second, I had never played with anyone but Jay! None the less I went along with the plan.
I made it through 5 holes in a respectable manner. I had no pars or anything spectacular, but I had not embarrassed myself! I step up to Hole 6. It is a par 3. Technically speaking that means it should only take me 3 swings to get from the tee box to the hole on the green. Instead, I had what Jay likes to call a "Jerry Lewis attack"! I could not make my body swing the club in any fashion to hit the ball where it needed to go! I believe that I ended up scoring a 12 on the hole.
Immediately I was dejected and embarrassed! I slumped in the golf cart and begin to sob. Jay simply put his arm around me and said, "We need to put this hole behind us and move on". I continued to sob. He continued to repeat the phrase "We need to put this hole behind us and move on". After a few exchanges like this, me sobbing Jay repeating, I begin to become irrational and accuse him of never wanting to play golf with me again! I also begin to hear him say that I was a terrible golfer even though those words never came out of his mouth.
I am sure that you have never experienced this in your marriage: You say one thing to your spouse and she hears something totally different! Jay and I believe that all men can be caring communicators by using powerful words which will create the woman of their dreams!
Think about your hobby. My husband's hobby is golf. In order to participate in his hobby he needs "tools" like golf clubs, golf balls, golf shoes, etc. Whatever your hobby is there are "tools" that are needed to participate in this hobby. Obviously, your wife is not your hobby, but words are "power tools" that can be used to create the woman of your dreams!
The first power tool is the phrase, "I love you".
There are days that you can remember when you got married and you can remember where you got married but you cannot remember WHY you got married! We all have those days!
Saying I love you takes you back. It communicates to your wife, "I married you because." We hear time and time again from married couples, "I just don't love him anymore" or "I just don't feel that love for her anymore". The problem is that we think that love is an ooey-gooey, liver-quiver feeling. Love is a verb. It is an action. Some days we have to act in spite of our feelings! When we act our feelings will follow.
When men speak the words "I love you" they are not only communicating the truth behind the words but are remembering back to why they fell in love in the first place. As we grow in our marriages, we get older, things change, our bodies, our feelings, our circumstances, but the fact that you married your wife does not change. Remember why and tell her you love her!
The second power tool is the phrase, "I respect you".
We're going to let you in on a little secret. In our culture today, women feel that they have to prove themselves. We need to prove that we are strong and independent. The thought that has been subtly put in our heads is that if we "need" a man than we would be weak and not "normal". We think that if we desire to stay home and take care of our homes, husband, and children, that somehow we are less than a "real" woman.
Because of this cultural pressure in the life of your wife, communicating respect becomes a very powerful tool in your relationship. Now, do not just say "I respect you" in words! Actions will augment your words! Encourage her in her gifts and abilities and even submit to her expertise. When you do this you communicate respect.
I (Laura) grew up in a home with a mom that worked because my dad was ill. Everyday, she would leave me a recipe to follow in order to make dinner for the family. It did not take imagination or ingenuity to cook this way. This is the way I cooked after I got married. Not very original and the same menu over and over!
A few years ago I discovered the FOOD NETWORK! I became an inspired cook and fledgling gourmet. I began to try out new foods on my family. They loved it and I loved it! Jay would constantly express his love and newfound respect of my new hobby! He loved it that I wanted new kitchen tools and encouraged my new found passion. His words and actions communicated respect to me.
The third power tool is the phrase, "I desire you".
Men lust after women. Women lust after being lusted after. Your wife wants you to want her. She desires to make herself desirable. Now we don't mean lust as the world means lust- hubba hubba - we mean your woman needs to know that she is beautiful to you. Your eyes are only on her! They don't wander! You love her eyes, her laugh, and her passion for life, whatever it was. A woman needs to know that you still remember when, because we look in the mirror every day and see someone that is changing!
We have tired baggy eyes - and hair growing where it never has before. I (Laura) have to continually tell Jay, that these are not chin hairs! They are eyelashes that have fallen! - our bodies don't look like they once did -- our role in life has more than likely changed - we are milk stations, chauffeurs, referees, maid, head dishwasher, the list could go on!
Desire is a craving, a yearning, a wanting - your wife needs to know that you still crave her! You communicate this desire for her in several ways. One is to remember that affection is not groping! Yes, your wife needs affection but groping is not always a desirable form of affection!
Secondly, guard your heart. We have heard this phrase used by men, "I can look at the menu but don't have to order!" Nope, buddy, you can't look at the menu! Your wife needs to know that you have eyes only for her and that she is all you need.
Thirdly, you need to communicate your needs to her. We really do not understand the male sex drive! Statistics show that the average man needs sexual release every 72 hours. Jay says he is way above average! Seriously, though, women do not understand this. Don't hold your cards tight to your chest. Let your wife know that you desire her!
The fourth power tool is the phrase, "I cherish you".
We are fully aware that "cherish" is not a manly word and probably not in the everyday language of the typical male!
In I Peter 3:7, the scripture tells us, "Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so nothing will hinder your prayers." So often with this verse, women get so hung up on the phrase "weaker partner" that we overlook the true meaning of the phrase. In the Greek, this phrase is translated as "fine china". Treating your wife like fine china is how you cherish her.
In John Eldredge's book Wild at Heart, he talks about the man's heart and the woman's heart. A woman's' heart desires to be fought for, to share the adventure and to be the beauty. In other words - we want to be the one and only in your life and be cherished! We want to know that we are your Cinderella and you are our prince charming! And that it isn't a fairy tale.
By using these power tool words with the woman in your world, not only will you become a caring communicator, but will help your wife become the woman of your dreams!
Jay and Laura Laffoon are gifted and entertaining communicators who have inspired thousands of couples throughout North America through their Celebrate Your Marriage conference. They are the authors of Make Love Everyday and their newly released book The Spark.
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