What Is Thanksgiving?

I never had a traditional Thanksgiving dinner in my home until I was in my twenties and married.  I spent every Thanksgiving holiday helping to serve meals to drunks, drug addicts, homeless, and people who were generally "down on their luck."  Over 50 years ago, my grandparents began a Rescue Mission Ministry and moved their five young children from a comfortable country farm into the roughest end of town--a place known as "jail alley."  

My grandfather called the people that we ministered to the "least, the last, and the lost" and my childhood memories are filled with examples of the sacrifice, compassion, and giving that my family shared with these transients and vagabonds.  I learned three valuable lessons about serving that I know with certainty can translate into life and marriage.

Lesson #1:  Don't Expect Anything In Return

Throughout the year, I (along with my 11 cousins) spent many long hours working at the mission.  On Thanksgiving day, we stood on the serving line while hundreds filed through for a magnificent feast that my family began preparing in the wee hours of the morning.  I always fought for the job of serving the mashed potatoes--and I took great pride in my ability to pile enormous amounts of potatoes on each plate without tiring!  Many would smile and thank me as they received their servings but many others would barely look in my direction.  A few would even criticize my potato scooping!  And while I loved seeing a toothless smile of gratitude or hearing a tearful "thank you", I quickly realized that those rewards were few and far between.  My grandparents, aunts, and uncles modeled a love for God first and others second.  Recognition and admiration were not part of that equation.  I try to translate this valuable lesson into serving my spouse and family.  We should strive to serve out of love and willingness--NEVER with expectations attached.

Lesson #2:  You Will Grow Weary

As a kid, I bounced around the mission property with the kind of endurance that only marathon runners possess.  But I remember at times seeing an adult family member slumped in a chair or walking around with the look of a battle-scarred soldier.  Sheer exhaustion and sometimes discouragement were written all over their face.  Know that sacrificial service to others will drain your physical, emotional and spiritual strength.  The enemy will try to discourage.  Be prepared for this.  A marriage built on sacrificial giving will experience this.  Surround yourself with others that can encourage you and help you stand up when you want to just give in.  Never lose focus of the fact that you are not merely serving your spouse--you are serving Christ first and foremost and He is the source of your strength.  Most importantly, never, never, never give up!

Lesson #3:  The Recipient Of The Blessing Is The Giver

Sometimes entire families would show up at the mission on Thanksgiving.  I was deeply impacted in seeing children my age holding a plate out waiting for me to serve them.  There was something about looking into the pain-filled eyes of a peer that made everything that we were doing worth it all.  Hearing the relieved thank you from a grateful mother touched my heart in a special way.  There was no doubt she received a blessing.  But the real blessing was mine--something that I value and cherish to this day.  Serving in marriage is the same--the giver receives the blessing for doing what is right, true, and noble with a pure heart.  My grandparents were married for 60 years when my grandfather passed away.  Their five children are all still married to their original spouses.  I am convinced that part of the reason for this is because they understand the concept and live a life of sacrificial giving.  It is difficult to focus selfishly on yourself when you are focused selflessly on others.

I believe it is no mistake that the term is ThanksGIVING.  True thankfulness has its foundation firmly rooted in giving.  What is true Thanksgiving?  It is the giving, serving, and unconditional loving of others.  When I focus on these things in my relationships, I have so much to be thankful for!

Covenant Marriage--Not For A Chosen Few

Isaiah 6: 1-13

A Covenant Marriage is not just for a chosen few. It is for all of us. God calls every couple to enter into a covenant with Him and with one another. Whether or not we hear and respond to God's call to live out a Covenant Marriage depends upon how closely we are walking with Him. Think of it in light of how God spoke to His people as recorded in Scripture. One example would be found in the story of Isaiah.

Did God single out Isaiah and say, "Isaiah, I want you to go out and speak to My people?" No, God did not specifically single Isaiah out to accomplish His work. In his vision, Isaiah overheard God saying, "Who will go for us?" The call of God is not for the special few, it is for everyone. "Many are called but few are chosen." (Matt. 22:14) In other words, few prove themselves to be the chosen ones. The chosen ones are those who have come into a relationship with God through JC whereby their minds and hearts have been changed and their ears have been opened and they can hear God speaking. They are now able to discern the still small voice of God raising the questions, "Who will go for us? Who will stand for us? Who will step out this time and be our voice in this world?"

In chapter 13 of Matthew's gospel when Jesus is asked by His disciples why He uses parables to communicate the message of God's love He says, "I speak to them in parables; because while seeing they do not see and while hearing they do not hear, nor do they understand." (13:13) Then Jesus refers back to the prophet Isaiah and the message God was trying to communicate in Isaiah's time. Jesus goes on to say to His disciples, "But blessed are your eyes, because they see; and your ears, because they hear." (13:16) And in conclusion of that parable of the sower and the seed, Jesus said, "And the one on whom seed was sown on the good soil, this is the man who hears the word and understands it; who indeed bears fruit, and brings forth, some a hundredfold, some sixty, and some thirty." (13:23)

To be in the right relationship with our Heavenly Father conditions us to be alert to His voice and responsive to His call. He didn't necessarily single Cindy and me out to go to Taiwan to serve as missionaries for two years or to launch the Covenant Marriage Movement. There were others present when God was speaking. But our ears were sensitive to His voice, and our hearts were responsive to His request. This call could be anybody's call. However, I am thankful that we were sensitive to God's voice.

In the account of Isaiah it was not a question of God singling out a man and saying, "We want, you to go." God did not lay a strong compulsion on Isaiah; Isaiah was very much aware of the presence of God and he overheard the discussion of the need, and realized that there was nothing else for him but to say, in conscious freedom, "Here am I, send me." 

We need to get it out of our minds that God is going to be coming to us trying to compel, coerce, or convince us to go for Him. When our Lord called His disciples He didn't have to pound them into submission. When God speaks, that is our invitation to join Him. The quiet passionate insistence of His "Follow Me" was spoken to men with all their faculties. They were from all walks of life but they were of sound mind and body. They had their wits about them. Yet they left everything to follow Him.

It is not about God looking at Phil and Cindy and saying, "Phil and Cindy, will you do this for me?" It is a matter of us being in such close proximity to God that we overhear His conversations with the other persons of the trinity saying, "Who will go for us?" The Triune God talking and saying, "Who will go . . .?" Then it becomes a point of decision for us asking ourselves, "Will we go? Will we stand for God's design for marriage? Will we, in perfect freedom, choose to enter a covenant marriage? Will we serve? Will we allow God to use our marriage to draw others to Him?"

If we will allow the Spirit of God to bring us face to face with the person of God, we too shall hear something akin to what Isaiah and the disciples heard, the still small voice of God asking, "Who will go for us? Who will stand for us? Who will step out this time and be our voice in this world?" and in perfect freedom can say, "Here we are; send us."

Covenant Fundamentals

By Dave Brown

My son, Corey, is going to graduate from Bryan College this spring.  He's considering going into the mission field.  That's what he wants to do.  He went on a mission trip to Guatemala a few years ago and didn't want to come home.  He went back the following year and did stay the entire summer.  Last August our church had a Sunday service dedicated to missions and I had different people come up to the stage and speak about the impact mission trips had on their lives.  When Corey's turn came, it gave me great pleasure to introduce him to the church.  But nothing prepared me for what I feel is perhaps one of the most profound statements about missions and mission trips I've ever heard.  When describing his experience, he said, "It wasn't life-changing.  It was life-defining." 

Now I know he's a deep thinker and very intelligent, but he's only twenty-one and that's a lot of wisdom coming from a young man.  His words stuck with me and I hope they did everyone else.  Life-defining moments don't come very often and they have everything to do with God's blessing.  A blessing isn't what we usually think it is.  I told you this in my last article.  This time of the year, we're all counting our blessings at Thanksgiving and when we do, we're thinking of things like our new car, our nice home, our good-paying job, our health, and our friends and families.  While we should certainly be thankful for these things, they're not blessings.  They're gifts.  They come and go.  We need to use our gifts while we have them to demonstrate God's love to others.  But a blessing is much better and when you get one, it's life-defining.

Take for example the blessing Jesus received when He was baptized by John the Baptist:

16 As soon as Jesus was baptized, he went up out of the water. At that moment heaven was opened, and he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove and lighting on him. 17 And a voice from heaven said, "This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased." Matthew 3:16-17 (NIV)

It was Jewish tradition that dads would take their sons to town when they were "of age" and introduce them to the other men and basically say, "This is my son.  What he says, I say.  What he does, we're in agreement.  Respect him as much as you respect me."  Now that's a blessing.  And that's exactly what the Heavenly Father did when His Son began His ministry.  It was life-defining.  Without that blessing, Jesus didn't have a ministry.  He had no authority.  He had no status.  But with that blessing, there was nothing He couldn't do.  Nothing is impossible with God.  And we'd better pay attention when He speaks.

As a Christian, God says the very same things about me.  Just as I tell people I'm a Christian and I was even baptized to demonstrate that, my Heavenly Father (He's my Father, too, now.  I'm adopted.) says about me, "Dave is my adopted son.  I love Him and there's nothing that can change that.  Because he's my son, there's nothing we can't do together.  He represents me."  That's a blessing.  It's life-defining.  He says the same thing about you if you're a Christian.  That's powerful.

Husbands and wives in a Covenant Marriage do the same thing for each other.  When a wife walks into a room crowded with people, her husband should notice.  He should focus on her.  Everyone in the room should know that's his wife and she's special to him.  The kids need to know that, too.  The same is true for a wife when her husband enters the room.  And people (especially the kids) should naturally understand that they are "together." 

It's powerful to know you're not alone in this world.  As a Christian, of course you're not alone.  The Holy Spirit lives with you and inside you.  In a Covenant Marriage, it's even more true.  I have the courage to try things I believe God is leading me to do, in part, because I know Lisa is in this with me.  We're together.  And I pay attention when she affirms what I think I'm hearing from God.  Without that affirmation, I have little authority or power.  But with it, it's another level - a very important level - of confirmation that gives me the courage to do things I may have never done before.  Lisa's blessing encourages me to step out, take risks, and do those things God wants me to do.  God set it up that way.  That's His plan for our marriage.  That's His plan for yours, too.  Such a blessing is Life-defining.

Truth #1:  God initiates all covenant relationships, especially Covenant Marriages.

Truth #2:  Every covenant is based on the "if-then" principle, especially Covenant Marriages.

Truth #3:  God blesses those in covenant with Him.  A blessing enables. Those in a Covenant Marriage also bless each other, enabling each other to become more than they ever could without each other.

Truth #4:  God blesses those in covenant with Him.  A blessing is about status and identity.

Dave Brown is the pastor of Harmony Fellowship in Pegram, TN and is on the CMM Board of Directors.  He co-authored Covenant vs. Contract with Phil Waugh, the Director of CMM.  He has a newly released book, Simple Christianity, available at Amazon.com or through your local Christian bookstore.  He can be reached at brown5757@comcast.net.  His website www.davebrownministries.com is near completion.

How to Turn Hurting Moments Into Healing Moments

by Drs Beverly and Tom Rodgers

All married couples have conflict. These skirmishes can take on many forms. Some couples distance and stonewall, while others become angry, causing them to say things that they later regret. Even loving couples can say and do things that hurt one another.

Jake and Ashley were one such couple. We met them at one of our Soul Healers Couple's Workshops.

"I'm ashamed to tell you," Ashley said with her voice shaking, "but Jake and I can't seem to resolve our problems without resorting to some type of shouting, blaming, or name calling. "

"We both know it is wrong but we just can't stop." Jake added, "We are so embarrassed that we have never told anyone until now. One of the main reasons we came to this workshop was to find a way to stop."

 Research suggests that at least 80% of people who verbally wound others have suffered from some form of wounding themselves as children. Jake and Ashley were no exception. They both grew up in homes where their parents fought loudly and regularly. Jake's parents finally split when he graduated from high school. Ashley's parents were still together, but lived in misery. In fact, Ashley made excuses not to go home on holidays because she did not want to be around them.

Living in a conflict-ridden homes wounded Jake and Ashley. We call these childhood wounds--- soul wounds.  A soul wound is defined as a need from childhood that was not met because some type of trauma has occurred. These early traumatic memories are not stored in the new brain, the neo-cortex. This is the part of the brain that helps us take in information, organize it, and make decisions. It gives us the ability to observe ourselves and evaluate our own behavior. Unfortunately, traumatic childhood memories are stored in the old brain, which is our survival mechanism, the part of our autonomic nervous system that is our fight-or-flight response. The old brain floods our body with chemicals when it senses real or perceived fear or danger.

Another key aspect about the old brain is that it is atemporal, which means it has no sense of time. So a trauma that occurred at age five can be relived at age twenty-five with the same emotion that you felt as a child. This is exactly what was happening to Ashley and Jake. They were triggering each other's soul wounds and having a severe reaction to the real or perceived danger they felt. What they were feeling is called---reactivity.

Reactivity is the tendency to over-react to a current situation because a childhood soul wound has been triggered. Ashley and Jake had a great deal of reactivity because they had trouble distinguishing between past trauma and current marital issues.  Ironically, their fighting replicated their own childhood experiences. They were re-wounding each other's souls in much the same way their parents did. Both saw each other as a perpetrator, an intimate enemy, and therefore anger and verbal assaults seemed to be their only way of self-protection.

We taught this couple an exercise in the Soul Healing Love Model that was designed to lower their angry reactions (reactivity), and help them listen and understand each other. The technique is called The GIFT Exercise. It is built on the premise that anger is not really the main culprit behind reactivity.  It is only a secondary emotion, usually felt in response to a more primary feeling, which means that anger is more of the response than the root of a particular situation.  Submerged under anger are four basic feelings that help define or give purpose to our rage. If you are feeling anger, you can trace it to any of these four emotions.  They are as follows:

                Guilt

                Inferiority

                Fear

                Trauma or pain

We have developed an acronym for these underlying emotions so that you can easily trace them to their root cause.  We chose the word GIFT because it is a gift to you and your spouse to identify the root of your wrath. If you respond to your mate in anger, it tends to create a defensive or angry response from them in return. Healthy communication is thwarted, and conflict goes unresolved.  By tracing the root of your anger, you are able to share it more effectively with your mate.

In using this simple yet powerful tool, several major things happened to Jake and Ashley in a short period of time. They learned to share calmly and rationally without reactivity. Because there was no reactivity, they could more easily hear what each other was saying. Both Jake and Ashley understood for the first time why these issues impacted them so deeply and what was behind their frustration.  As a result, they had empathy for each other for the first time in years. Ashley said it best when she reported, "We actually listened with our hearts, not just our ears. It helped us move from hurting moments to healing moments and heal our souls."